Testing testing….one, two, three
The beginning of this series starts here….
One of the more interesting aspects of the dialogues was the continual testing which came in many guises. At times I was prompted with information that in itself broke a rule challenging an ingrained way of perception. Other times a statement might incite an immediate emotional reaction, which elicited more sensitivity to the sometimes subtle differences between reaction and response.
The tests, enervating as they were, helped me to grasp that the dialogues were also an open creative relationship. Although I was primarily receptive, I wasn’t only gathering information. I was also consciously accepting what transpired. There is a discernible difference, and I was learning to recognize a clarity to our communication that was physically identifiable. I began building a sense for when I broke a rule or when I was being prompted with a test and I welcomed the challenge. Not only was I to determine when a rule was broken or when I was being tested, but I was expected to understand the meaning or relevance behind each incident. I was slowly learning to physically attune and recognize energetic resonance.
Eventually I was to find that this training was for a specific purpose. There was a need for accuracy, presence and an acute awareness of the necessity of maintaining a mental and emotional balancing. It was essential that my skills be finely honed in order to handle the material under discussion, which I more or less accomplished depending on what was going on in my life. Our exploration of our perceptual relationship with time was a preliminary for the more difficult work to come.
The testing remained in place throughout the dialogues, becoming more subtle and unexpected in every challenging context. During each session, breaking any of the rules, and it happened often, was cause for stopping and acknowledging exactly what I had done that was inappropriate. Again, I was not alerted when this happened. I was expected to stop, catch my mistake and explain what I had done in detail. Then our procedure was to say the appropriate prayer asking for forgiveness.
I usually think of asking forgiveness for a conscious transgression, but I’m not sure it was meant this way. It’s one of the many aspects of the dialogues that remain a mystery to me. And I haven’t spoken of the love and acceptance in learning, which was all ways present and made the testing a challenge to reach further… with deeper understanding. There were a few times when a test completely slipped by me unrecognized. I would be puzzled for days until able to wind back and recount the trail of every error. It amazed me how, first of all, that I remembered the sequence of everything that had transpired, since other than when I broke the rules, I often left a dialogue having only a small grasp or memory of what had been conveyed, especially when exposed to a new concept or delving deeper into its complications.
More importantly each time this happened, each time a referenced thought or an emotion influenced my understanding. Each time I depended on a linear progressive interpretation of the information being presented or I went off into my own scenarios…. how this progressive, self-absorbed or emotionally ingrained way of understanding had the distinct probability of spreading out in alternate directions with the possibility of creating its own separate reality. This made the idea of “reality” very fluid and arbitrary. I understood that the prerequisite for continuing with creative dialogue was to perfectly understand each test. It could be no other way. Work remained at a standstill until there was exacting resolution.
This general tendency was addressed one day in the dialogues. Of how the mentally promoted need to know and the emotionally promoted need to save obscure truth. If these dialogues had bumper stickers, this one would be flashing in bright neon. I began to see that we have been conditioned to apply new information in linear patterns. How could it be any other way, since we are prompted by our adherence to a perception of a progressive time continuum? Without personally being present and effecting a personal perceptual shift centered in the immediacy of relationship, we run the risk of searching for corroborating evidence to substantiate the inevitable assumptions that linear thinking creates.
Or the temptation is to take action, even when altruistic, saddling ourselves with self-ordained responsibility without balancing the active and passive aspects of all creative endeavors when based in relationship. So many challenges. So many questions. This applies not only within the human community, but in respectful relationship with the rest of the world we live and interact with. As the dialogues moved into deeper territory I found both circumstances influencing me in obvious, but also in inscrutable ways. The following is another of the poems from the dialogues….
All the “knowledge” in books is alive only in the mind
And the “mind” is alive only in books
The ground of truth is obscured by the need to know
to be continued…..
© Jana H. White
Artist: Max Ernst