The unbearable awkwardness of three

6e4da506b7be3eddeba037828b3b4904

~

Doubt and Belief silently argue

as they sit upon a box

~

Trust joins them

adding 3 wheels to the box

~

giving much needed mobility

to their ping-pong debate

~

everyone’s muscles still tense

when they pass Hope or Violence

~

as they meander

around the countryside

~

looking for the exact spot

where their grief is buried

~

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photo credit: unknown

The Poetics of Light #19

bosch

~

Forgiveness

~

The beginning of this series starts here

~

       After weeks of carefully picking our way through tangled brush and strenuously rising from the valley below, we have reached the summit of the high mountain. In this altitude the air is thin and crisp and all movement is considered. It’s been a rough climb breaking new trail. Looking down the mountain from this height, we now have a clear view. We can see that there are many other pathways through the brush etched like the carved rivulets of spring runoff… the trails of sure footed mountain goats.

           While on the mountain we have been engaging in the deep personal work of extricating ourselves from the gravity, the weight of empathy and the patterns of cause and effect that influence our lives. Through our relationships, our spiritual practices, our creative work, our silent listening, we have been gaining insight into our own healing path as we climb.

           We have been gaining self knowledge and have experienced that seeing a pattern reoccurring in our lives in one instance isn’t necessarily enough. Over and over insight informs us from various vantage points as we engage in our relationships and make our choices. Each time we have been acquiring new strengths to heal and resolve the suffering we have endured, for we have all suffered much. As we climb the mountain we prepare ourselves to be better able to compassionately embrace the suffering of all beings, even though our hearts are heavy with it. There is respite here at the summit, but we are needed, and our lives await us in the valley below.

           Before our return we gather together. We have broken new ground on this climb and we are being asked to acknowledge this in whatever way has meaning for us. In this conscious act of acknowledgement though, it is made known that forgiving and asking for forgiveness initiates us consciously into the healing we seek.

          We come from many spiritual disciplines. This healing path however, is deeply personal and a matter of consciousness, not necessarily of form. To forgive simply takes the desire and the understanding of the necessity to forgive. The spiritual assistance to actualize this and integrate it into our lives follows. But we ask… who are we forgiving?

           Over lifetimes we acquire many layers of unresolved suffering… many layers upon layers. We know that in life there are genuine reasons for sadness or fear. However, when we fall prey to a blinding resistance or anxiety, to negating thoughts or emotions, to extended depression, to continued confusion of fear for small things, to prolonged existential sadness, when we become numb or indifferent under the burden of circumstance, or when we find ourselves empathically reacting to another person’s suffering and making it our own, we can be alerted that there is a possible layer of unresolved trauma lending empathic weight to what is actually happening. It is in this understanding that we can find the strength to respond to present life circumstances with more clarity, more perspective. In more trying situations, we can look here for grounding and courage.

The forgiveness necessary is simply in our own hands…

“We must forgive ourselves

for carrying the weight

of our suffering

for so long”

           Recognizing the intimate closeness of it. The soft spot in the middle of our gut we protect and know so well. The addictions that numb us. The inability to allow ourselves real intimacy with another. Forgiving ourselves we can better understand the difference between bearing witness to suffering with compassion, and carrying suffering as a personal empathic weight.

          We also often carry our unresolved suffering from collective archetypal trauma through many life times, adding layers and complexity to our initial trauma. It is for this reason it is important to understand the necessity of forgiving ourselves for adding to the collective human separation by carrying this suffering through all these lifetimes.

And to whom are we asking forgiveness?

           We are asking forgiveness to life itself and any way that we have diminished life. As we bend low, we ask forgiveness from all beings, from everything in existence, for perceiving of ourselves apart. This asking for forgiveness is a mending. As we heal this also contributes to the healing of the whole and the imbalance caused by this separate human empathic velocity.

         In this conscious act we commit our selves to becoming more present in our bodies, feeling everything, resonant and trusting… and assisting in healing this separation. As we heal the grief and loss of separation we have carried for lifetimes, we find our place in this beautiful world. This world which eternally finds balance in each moment and which simply asks us to open our hearts and to listen…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

© Jana H. White

Artist: Hieronymus Bosch “The Garden of Earthly Delights”

 

The Poetics of Light #13

yin_yang

~

Shadow

~

The beginning of this series starts here

~

             Through the strangeness and my own flickering resistance, a wisp of light burned slow as the flame held steady and I could see we had now come to the heart of our work in the dialogues. For the next three years I became immersed in an attempt to understand the archetypes and our singular human relationship with them. My initial introduction to the archetypes had been a challenging and an uncomfortably visceral experience. I would soon understand that our explorations would demand everything from me and remain personally experiential, a necessary condition in order to understand the vast empathic realm were were exploring. It was inevitable that I would witness my own soul’s history. For it was said that the soul is simply the memory of our own personal and multi-layered song of suffering.

~

“Becoming human

is poetry without words

a poem about suffering the song of self.

Each person carries their own harmony or dissonance.

In the Continuum

it is all the same song”

~

          The archetypal traumas themselves were not defined. It wasn’t until the end of the dialogues that I was asked to give name to them from my own being.  At this point in our work it was once again reiterated that each archetype had within it inherent vulnerabilities and acquired strengths, which brought into context our earlier discussions concerning reincarnation. We talked again about the memories of unresolved archetypal trauma that we bring with us into our current life to be healed. Since this is generally unconscious, it manifests as an emotional and/or mental inclination that has the possibility of adding a mental and/or emotional weight to our life’s challenges. It was here that the difference between reaction and response was emphasized and became an important distinction.

          we then began randomly compiling the emotional and mental symptoms relevant to archetypal trauma. The symptomology itself was reflective of the reactions a person might have when experiencing archetypal trauma and were eventually broken down into the categories of reaction to the trauma itself, a crisis state, a masking state and an indifference state, while also from the perspective of an infant or child, a teen, or an adult where relevant.  For the next few years this became the bulk of our work.

          It was difficult not to be effected by the symptoms themselves, particularly the aberrations of the empathic state of indifference. Their order was randomly arranged, continually shifted around, added to, deleted, and never categorized until the very end of the dialogues. It was a long, strange and very arduous process, but this way of learning was a blessing since I found that I was deeply effected by my own relationship with traumatic experience and our empathic relationship with archetypal energy.

          Triggered by the work itself, I was able to receive validation of the layers of my own past life unresolved trauma. Far from an abstract acknowledgement, since this is embodied memory, it was interesting that my awareness of these traumas came only when a relevant memory was surfacing. This aspect of myself became very real as a memory rose more clearly to the surface of consciousness. For the most part they appeared as layered vignettes with only fragments of specific detail that I was asked to witness, but I was becoming more adept at recognizing their surfacing and in seeing how they wove through my life coloring my experience, a more subtle but more relevant revelation. Their gravity created an emotional and multi-layered labyrinth. Since this is embodied memory, the breath of remembered trauma is quite real and easily overwhelming. I was able to receive confirmation of this process, and since it was from a source I trusted implicitly, this grounded and steadied the process accelerating my understanding of both myself and a necessary aspect of understanding the many complexities of our work.

          At the same time it was inevitable that I would need to further address my relationship with traumatic experience relative to the physical and sexual abuse, and the resulting PTSD, I have personally experienced in this life. One day while working, after months of the work of compiling random symptomology, it was startling and frankly exhilarating to list and organize a long length of symptoms from my own being without conscious thought. The work became flesh and bone real. It was an odd juxtaposition of known… and unknown.

~

Light

~

“Becoming human

We engage the velocity of light”

~

       As what seemed like a finale to our work together in understanding human perception and archetypal traumatic experience, I was finally led through a clarifying insight. In order to assist our own explorations, I feel it is best to introduce this beautiful insight here … at the beginning of our attempts in understanding the complexities of archetypal perception.

           Perhaps this insight is a spiritual metaphor that acts like a map or a compass, a way to comprehend the inexplicable tailored to my own level of comprehension. But then, everything I’ve learned continues to illuminate that all physical life, all energy, embodies and exhibits a spiritual intelligence. Metaphor, map or compass, it still became and continues to be the key to understanding all that was explained in the dialogues.

           That quiet afternoon in July, I felt I had reached the top of a high mountain after an arduous climb. As I made that last step over the rise the insight was simply there, present and unfolding like a flower hovered over by ardent bees. It was a still point of osmosis and pure exhaustion. I felt as I must have felt being born. It was my first introduction to the Principles of Light.

~

“The waiting is over

The next step is containing yourself

Beholding the truth is sacred”

~

In the Continuum of Life energy is self-contained and manifests as frequency, which is light.

Light has both form…structure

And movement…velocity.

All manifestations of light in the Continuum share a self contained species frequency of structure and velocity. As human beings we share a common human frequency. Within this species frequency we have a physical structure and personal velocity.

Light is the motivating principle of everything in manifestation within the Continuum. Light has memory and is holographic. It maintains the memory of the totality of the existence of its manifest forms. Thus life, in all its forms, in turn manifests this intelligence.

This all encompassing memory is continually in attendance, potentializing and maintaining itself in each moment. In this way Light is holographic.

The natural order of relationship in a holographic continuum is reciprocal.

Structure is the infinitely diverse expression of every manifestation in the Continuum.

Velocity is the means of communication in a spiritually intelligent world.

Velocity in structure is resonant relationship.

Light potentializing within structure and velocity creates infinitely diverse species frequencies communicating in reciprocal resonance.

These conditions of light… to be both a particle and a wave, to have total memory of itself in existence within the infinite variety of its manifestations in substance and velocity, and to reciprocally maintain a balancing within itself, is the nature of the holographic Continuum of Life.

Within the holographic whole, each expression of light in structure and velocity finds reciprocal resonance.

~

          I was filled with an indescribable elation, poised and resonating in the nucleic center of birthing. The words of the final principle resounding through my entire being. “Within the holographic whole, each expression of light in structure and velocity finds reciprocal resonance”.

         The insight culminating in these simple words “finds reciprocal resonance” dispelled the burden of hierarchy, dissolved the tension of the consequences of cause and effect, balanced the fermenting chaos as empathic connection reinforces personal pain. We are not in exile. We never have been….

~

“Trust is the radiant child birthed

as the masculine (Yang) actions of humankind

and the feminine (Yin) responsiveness of nature

intertwine in complimentary reciprocal creation

in a spiritually intelligent world.”

~

           With synaptic speed I had experienced a synergistic understanding and I realized that the Principles of Light presented a structure that lit up a once impenetrable darkness. I was a weed in the cracks of a concrete sidewalk growing in its light as it illuminated the possibility of understanding all we’d been working on.

~

“Bountiful stars”

~

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

© Jana H. White

The series will continue in two weeks on Sunday, December 4th

The Poetics of Light #7

me

Boot Camp… continued

~

The spaces in between

~

 The beginning of this series starts here

          And so the early days of the dialogues were primarily training. I found myself adjusting to my unusual circumstances, even to the point of forming an emotional bond with one of the teachers I was working with most often. I suppose my attachment was similar to having feelings of love towards any teacher. It was a confusing time, in the first days of the dialogues. I began receiving repeated instructions or “guidance” to do certain things. I wasn’t sure what to make of this. The requests didn’t make sense to me. Why would I be asked to do something so obviously random?

                   Giving it further consideration, I understood this as another test. It was an easy one considering… but all of the tests held layers of learning.

                 I was participating in a perceptual reality where trust and action is based on a mutual and reciprocal relationship that is insightful and creative directly in each moment.

              The difference between “procedure” and “guidance” was made clear.  I understood that although they both may seem aspects of possible future action, the choices I make that are directly relevant to my life are completely my own to make and are my uniquely personal relationship with life. Whereas “procedure” is simply descriptive instructions relevant to the subject at hand.

                I was working with this favored teacher while comprehending these early differences. I greatly appreciated a certain playfulness and humor, which gave me the much needed opportunity to relax and hone my instincts. I was better able to move a little closer in understanding how to function and communicate in this most unusual relationship.

              However, shortly after this initial period, I was also asked to refrain from personifying Divinity by name. This may be initially challenging, or even blasphemous, to those who derive spiritual nourishment from a more defined devotion. However, this is a narrative about human perception and its consequences. By complying with this new request I was now being challenged to not only learn a different level of trust, but also to question the very foundations of my organized and accepted perceptual “reality”. 

        I was becoming acquainted with the expansive equality inherent in this alternate perceptual paradigm, where no one is singled out or separated from the whole. It seems clear now that it was important that I undertake a completely inclusive perspective. In this perceptual paradigm, all aspects of God are included.

          At the same time it was affirmed that prayer, especially the communal coming together in prayer, is an important aspect of spiritual relationship and that all faiths, all spiritual paths are relevant and hold the seeds of truth.

           However this also included the relationship with my teachers. When asked to stop personifying my teachers by name I also began to realize that, aside from the need to personalize our experiences, we name as a way of understanding. We are observers. We think in terms of nouns, defining the object of our observation.

            These considerations became less and less of an abstraction as I began to be aware of the immediacy of this relationship… and of all relationship. What occurs in any given moment is multi-layered and relevant to that exact moment of actual experience. Linguistically, nouns became the activity of verbs in a mutual experience with the possibility of creating anything… depending on what is brought to that moment. Instead of two separate observers in relationship with each other, the active fluidity of the relationship itself, the space in between became the focus. I was experiencing a new level of trust, of vulnerability in relationship and my responsibility in it.

           And so… in this preliminary introduction I have attempted to give some idea of my own responses to the material in the dialogues in hopes that it might lend some insight as to how to approach all we are about to explore, for we have only just begun our work here…

          Ultimately we are being given tools, tools for the illumination and understanding of our personal and collective perception and its effect on ourselves as human beings and on our world. If my own experience is indicative, even the attempt at understanding is to radically change. This seems no small thing as it becomes no less than the most intimate personal revolution. All one can do then… is bloom.

Becoming

is poetry without words

a poem about suffering the song of self

Each person carries their own harmony or dissonance

In the Continuum

it is all the same song

~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

© Jana H. White

artist: Max Ernst

 

 

 

The Poetics of Light #6

max-ernst

~


Boot Camp

Testing testing….one, two, three

~

The beginning of this series starts here….

     One of the more interesting aspects of the dialogues was the continual testing which came in many guises. At times I was prompted with information that in itself broke a rule challenging an ingrained way of perception. Other times a statement might incite an immediate emotional reaction, which elicited more sensitivity to the sometimes subtle differences between reaction and response.

          The tests, enervating as they were, helped me to grasp that the dialogues were also an open creative relationship. Although I was primarily receptive, I wasn’t only gathering information. I was also consciously accepting what transpired. There is a discernible difference, and I was learning to recognize a clarity to our communication that was physically identifiable. I began building a sense for when I broke a rule or when I was being prompted with a test and I welcomed the challenge. Not only was I to determine when a rule was broken or when I was being tested, but I was expected to understand the meaning or relevance behind each incident. I was slowly learning to physically attune and recognize energetic resonance.

          Eventually I was to find that this training was for a specific purpose. There was a need for accuracy, presence and an acute awareness of the necessity of maintaining a mental and emotional balancing. It was essential that my skills be finely honed in order to handle the material under discussion, which I more or less accomplished depending on what was going on in my life. Our exploration of our perceptual relationship with time was a preliminary for the more difficult work to come.

          The testing remained in place throughout the dialogues, becoming more subtle and unexpected in every challenging context. During each session, breaking any of the rules, and it happened often, was cause for stopping and acknowledging exactly what I had done that was inappropriate. Again, I was not alerted when this happened. I was expected to stop, catch my mistake and explain what I had done in detail. Then our procedure was to say the appropriate prayer asking for forgiveness.

         I usually think of asking forgiveness for a conscious transgression, but I’m not sure it was meant this way. It’s one of the many aspects of the dialogues that remain a mystery to me. And I haven’t spoken of the love and acceptance in learning, which was all ways present and made the testing a challenge to reach further… with deeper understanding. There were a few times when a test completely slipped by me unrecognized. I would be puzzled for days until able to wind back and recount the trail of every error. It amazed me how, first of all, that I remembered the sequence of everything that had transpired, since other than when I broke the rules, I often left a dialogue having only a small grasp or memory of what had been conveyed, especially when exposed to a new concept or delving deeper into its complications.

            More importantly each time this happened, each time a referenced thought or an emotion influenced my understanding. Each time I depended on a linear progressive interpretation of the information being presented or I went off into my own scenarios…. how this progressive, self-absorbed or emotionally ingrained way of understanding had the distinct probability of spreading out in alternate directions with the possibility of creating its own separate reality. This made the idea of “reality” very fluid and arbitrary. I understood that the prerequisite for continuing with creative dialogue was to perfectly understand each test. It could be no other way. Work remained at a standstill until there was exacting resolution.

          This general tendency was addressed one day in the dialogues. Of how the mentally promoted need to know and the emotionally promoted need to save obscure truth. If these dialogues had bumper stickers, this one would be flashing in bright neon. I began to see that we have been conditioned to apply new information in linear patterns. How could it be any other way, since we are prompted by our adherence to a perception of a progressive time continuum? Without personally being present and effecting a personal perceptual shift centered in the immediacy of relationship, we run the risk of searching for corroborating evidence to substantiate the inevitable assumptions that linear thinking creates.

          Or the temptation is to take action, even when altruistic, saddling ourselves with self-ordained responsibility without balancing the active and passive aspects of all creative endeavors when based in relationship. So many challenges. So many questions. This applies not only within the human community, but in respectful relationship with the rest of the world we live and interact with. As the dialogues moved into deeper territory I found both circumstances influencing me in obvious, but also in inscrutable ways. The following is another of the poems from the dialogues….

Geese flying

Grass growing

All the “knowledge” in books is alive only in the mind

And the “mind” is alive only in books

The ground of truth is obscured by the need to know

~

to be continued…..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

© Jana H. White
Artist: Max Ernst

The Poetics of Light #3

Truls Espedal

~

Chapter Two

Transparency

~

(The beginning of this series starts here )

           This summer I spent a few days with my brother and sister-in-law who live a stone’s throw from the Gulf of Mexico. The trip was their gift to me. We hadn’t seen each other in many years and had only a few days together. We spent our days in deep and quiet conversation. They also shared the abundance of the natural world that speaks to them and which gives them their connection and sense of place.

          Each of us has lived a life of wide and varied experience. Listening, as we each spoke of navigating in these often turbulent waters, I understood the beauty in transparency. It allows the light to shine through…

~

        The way in which the dialogues began was relatively subtle. There was nothing dramatic to announce their beginning. The opportunity for dialogue slipped in one day as if I’d asked a question that could be answered. What preceded the advent of the dialogues however, was a circuitous route through a serpentine path of personal healing.

        For ten years prior to the dialogues, I had been homesteading on a densely wooded piece of land in the Finger Lakes Area of Western New York State. It was rough, riddled with springs, deep woods, and had never been developed due to its difficult and varied terrain. While homesteading I had been in intimate daily relationship with nature as I worked the land. It was a place of opportunity and safety for me as I began to open and begin to heal the sublimated wounds of a violent rape I had experienced twelve years earlier while living in the California Bay Area.

          A serial rape, I was one of many. The rapist was never caught and although not named, I was in the news a number of times since I was the only one of his “victims” with children. I learned what it is like to become a cultural statistic. Perhaps it was the time. Perhaps it was the place. Perhaps it was a matter of circumstance or all of these, but I was immediately confronted with the stigma of rape. I didn’t know whether to be more stunned by the rapist or at nearly everyone’s surprising reaction. Though confusing, it was an eye opener. It became apparent that being vulnerable, or showing vulnerability, was similar to having a contagious disease no one wanted to catch, so I held tight and carried on. My daughters had both been toddlers with the needs of small children, my family lived thousands of miles away, and the crime had repercussions in my marriage and among our friends and neighbors. Life was complicated and I made the choice to give these concerns my attention. I felt that I had navigated my own response to the rape privately and well.

          While living on the land however, I began having chronic respiratory problems. A wisdom tooth had been surgically extracted from my sinus cavity and wasn’t healing properly which then led to a chronic low grade infection. Simultaneously I also began having the symptoms of PTSD, which wasn’t clearly understood yet, and information about it was not readily available. I often had lucid dreams that began to feel invasive, and was disturbed and disconcerted one afternoon to experience a fever induced trance state which I knew was connected to the dreams. Even though I was seeing both dentists and specialists, this wasn’t something I felt comfortable taking to the medical profession and I was at a loss as to how to navigate in these unexpected and confusing realms, or understand their connection or significance. I knew a bit about transpersonal psychology though and recognized my PTSD symptoms were a spiritual crisis. Instinctively I knew that I needed somewhere I would be able to address this spiritually. However, I hadn’t yet connected any of this with the incident in California.

          I read about a Native American Elder in our local paper and, considering that he might be more spiritually open to the combination of things I was experiencing, had sought his assistance. Through the Native American ceremony of the sweat lodge, I finally understood that my sublimated feelings concerning the experience of rape and its cultural repercussions was the cause of my spiritual crisis and I was able to address the range of emotions I carried from having experienced sexual trauma. Having retreated to the land with agoraphobic tendencies, in retrospect I think I also knew that I needed to be able to allow myself to be vulnerable once again while in the company of others.

          Among the many personal lessons learned through the physicalities of ceremony, chronic illness and working with the land, I understood the necessity of becoming responsive to my own body’s signals in order to find and then maintain an emotional balancing in myself. I learned to follow the pathways of emotion as they physically manifested, energetically opening the wounds to be acknowledged and find their place in my life. Within ceremony, and as my day to day life became a spiritual acknowledgement of my relationship with nature, I learned to connect with a richer, deeper, more intimate Source that inspired healing. After a number of years of ceremony, and although grateful for all his help, I knew I had gone as far in understanding as I was able with the guidance of the Elder.

          Living in an ongoing relationship with this piece of land was an extraordinary decade of learning for me. At the bottom of the page I’ve left a few poetic links about these experiences if you are interested in reading more.

          Families grow and circumstances shift and when the dialogues began we had moved to more southern climes. I was now living in a small mountain city in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Western North Carolina. Although surrounded by nature, I was not in the same intimate daily contact. In some ways I welcomed the move. Homesteading is hard on the body and I had reached a definitive physical impasse. I no longer experienced bouts of PTSD and felt I had reached a level of health and healing I could maintain. Still, I wanted to find ways to further explore the spiritual relationship I had been building with the deeper Source I had recognized while working in nature.

          It was a considerable change, now that I was living closely among people again, and it left me more open to experiencing new things. One day I was introduced to a woman who was training in shamanic practice who freely shared her experience with me. There was much she shared that seemed at least promising. I knew that shamanic practice was based in a relationship with nature and I was curious and remained interested in cultures that incorporated alternative spiritual states into their worldview, so I initiated an apprenticeship with a shamanic teacher who was attempting to integrate non drug induced shamanic practices with western medical and psychological modalities.

          While working with the practices I was being taught, I again experienced an acceleration of altered states but I found I was personally accessing realms I felt no grounding in. It wasn’t long before these experiences led me from pursuing shamanism further. I was grateful for the experience but my answers were not to be found here either.

          Continuing to follow the path of the intimate Source that I had recognized while working the land and through the sweat lodge ceremony, I began to feel that I was being drawn towards what I thought of as the responsive feminine mysteries, mysterious because I had no clear definition in mind. The symbology that kept recurring was feminine in that the feeling was responsive and supportive although I didn’t attach a gender in a human sense.

          I knew my relationship with this intimate Source had led to my physical and emotional healing. I had yet to understand or clarify the difference between the altered or the inspired states I was experiencing, but I was now making a distinction and becoming more discerning. If all of this sounds confusing in its lack of definition…Well, in a way it was. I was finding myself continually in unknown terrain and navigating with a compass that was more intuitive than anything else.

          There were life experiences I could call on for guidance though. Following the experience of giving birth to two children myself, I felt spiritually compelled to explore the originative mysteries of birthing in every aspect of life. Of how a seed, whether of a person, a living plant or an abstract idea is formed, birthed and then continues to grow. While working with plants as food and medicine, while propagating and raising hundreds of seedlings, I had experienced a commonality and responsiveness with nature facilitating these creative energies. I finally came to the conclusion that instead of looking for an already established spiritual approach to answer my questions, I would best find direction by placing my trust directly in Nature.

          With little preamble, the dialogues began one afternoon while I was engaged in these considerations. I don’t remember having any cohesive thoughts or emotions initially. The experience was too improbable, too out of the ordinary for immediate reflection. I simply accepted the dialogues as I was led through the initial apprenticeship.

          We traversed the fog of my own preconceived ideas of spiritual relationship, religious prejudices and conditioning, and any spiritual ideas or taboos I’d been attracted to or had adopted. While addressing my life long accumulation of spiritual persuasions, I gained practice in this more physical way of communicating. I was also introduced to the rules that were required for engagement. The rules themselves were uncompromising, and in their simplicity, oddly difficult to follow. However, by following the rules I was learning what is required to be present and responsive in the spiritual practice I learned to call Contemplative Resonance.

          A distinct feature of the dialogues was their startling intimacy. I became accustomed to the understanding that everything about me was known in the deepest way, beyond even what I clearly understood myself. There was a flow and a naturalness to the communication that immediately engendered my trust. Who exactly was I in dialogue with? Who knew me so intimately? As they individually introduced themselves, I was informed they were the Divine Angelic Denomination of Light, although I was to learn later that designations themselves, that “naming” is a human inclination utilized and relied on in order to observe and categorize as a prelude to comprehension. Of those that I personally worked with, some were Masters that had been human but the majority I worked with were Beings responsible for overseeing elements of nature. I was given specific training to ensure that I was communicating with only these Beings in their realm of Spirit. This was also reassuring since I had no mystical tradition or human teacher to lean on for guidance and I had had enough of disconcerting experiences navigating on my own in unknown realms I felt no grounding in.

          Ultimately, I was made aware that I was in dialogue with the Divinity of Nature but I didn’t know what to make of this. Within the context of the dialogues whenever I tried formulating an image or an idea of the Divinity of Nature I felt an unimaginable vastness. A velvet dark so boundless, so deeply without beginning or end… I experienced a very visceral response and the feeling this elicited was overwhelming.

          Perhaps this is why we began slowly. As unparalleled teachers, understanding was built upon understanding tailored to my level of comprehension. It was a slow process of experiential integration. Various teachers introduced and named themselves as I was passed from one teacher to another. In this most improbable of situations, I held on to any familiarity I gained from their humor, their strict procedures, the tricks they played on me, which were all tests to discern if I was able to hold my own. For I was finding that this was a mutually co-creative way of communicating. I was expected to be physically discerning no matter what they should tell me. I needed to be able to recognize a reciprocal clarity beyond my own thoughts or emotional responses and I eventually gained ground in the practice of Contemplative Resonance. I learned to be physically resonant by literally making hundreds of mistakes, but more importantly, by being aware and understanding each one of them.

          How did I encompass all of this? I was in totally unfamiliar territory, without familiar references of any kind to explain the experience. Demanding in every way imaginable, the dialogues were far from a blissfully transcendent experience. The absolute intimacy though, was undeniable and encouraging. The challenges of communication completely held my attention as nothing else ever had. Yes, it was an overwhelming experience but I felt extraordinarily alive.

to be continued…

Poetry:

Ceremony ….. The Deep has always loved me ….. One note

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

© Jana H. White

Artist: Truls Espedal

 

Beauty waits

 418c5e593a71678f65e31eae9b152181

~

There is nothing ambiguous about loss

it fills the spaces left behind

a tenderness that registers the slightest wind

so vulnerable it stops breath from breathing

in sudden recognition of how hard it is

to fill space when empty

waking each day turned inside out

~

There is nothing ambiguous about loss

That sharp clacking of stone upon stone

leaving a path of shards

the hidden gravity that shades the color blue

Where memory seems more than skin

translucent but barnacled…

a legacy of the light of dead stars

~

There is nothing ambiguous about loss

it separates the cut edges

opening abrasions with graveled hands

where hearing is more sensitive than sight

as music evokes both acid and balm

and the heaviness of dreaming

is carried in weary flesh

~

There is nothing ambiguous about loss

I am ever present in its deep grain

comprising the growth rings

through which side branches grow

I have become something other than I was

something less something more

while separated from beauty

~

This seemingly inexhaustible thirst

redeemed in the breath of wildness

each inhalation responding

each exhalation my wordless prayer

In animal distress

I bend low at the stream

Silent, listening…. I drink

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Photo credit: http://amolecularmatter.tumblr.com/

Momma clock

~

You were never adventurous

insisting on sticking to interaction

proscribed a sure thing

trying to be a “good girl” but always told

you were never good enough…

I spent my days intoxicated by a flower’s breath

building new homes out of cardboard or snow

exhuming pets I was curious about death

and bones and teeth

climbing trees listening to their heart sap

nipping change from Norman’s penny jar

just for the sneak of it

not caring much about showing my girl parts

to the neighbor boys

And there you were pushing me off

unsteady on two bicycle wheels

as if your moods weren’t the day’s bad weather

and me always approaching you with the caution

of the kid held flat out in high winds

and now you were casting me off like a baby bird

as if you yourself knew how to fly

Well…little did I know your strange insistence

was giving me more than wings

your internal Mamma clock was saying

it was time I learned to really fly

even though you knew

I’d take off and keep rolling

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Art by Terry Turrell

I dream of being a weed…

 

~

I dream of being a weed

traveling in my roots carving deep,

just carving, scraping away

letting go more of the surface

each time I tap deeper

~

These are restless nights

waking with soil packed tight

at the corner of eyes picking at

worm castings under fingernails

the scrim wrapped tight round my head

caked with quartz shards and clay

filaments of memory scattered about the floor

the moon an aboriginal instinct

~

I’m a veteran miner

more comfortable in the dark

where I can keep an eye on things

~

On the surface my tough rosettes

of green continue to vitamin the grassy bank

the untamed sun persisting in its pursuit

until finally … reluctant with abandon

~

There is no letting go. Why would I?

There is nothing of worth to carry…

All I can do is bloom

~

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 drawing and poem …. j.h.white

Pencil Noir #7

” There is no route out of the maze. The maze shifts as you move through it, because it is alive.” ….Philip K. Dick

 

hello….hello….hello….

I’ve returned from traveling on the dark side of the mountain. I was never really (completely) lost. It did require entering the mountain to find my way out though, as the mountains began to float away.

While underground I made steps through the dark tunnels trusting a lighted candle. Finally I came upon an immense cavern and there I found a working head lamp, a pencil and a passage to the open air.

The moon’s light cast long shadows as I swam towards shore. Floating on my back, I sent it kisses. Digging in the sand at the shoreline I looked for wave washed shells to tell me their secrets. Before continuing on my way along a phosphorescent passage of singing shells.

Now I am here retrieving my poethead. And finding rhythm in the alchemy of the virtual heart.

 

Pencil drawing by j.h. white